How to Let Go of Resentment, Stop Feeding the Hate and Start Living

If something isn’t making you feel good, let it go. Learning how to let go of resentment isn’t as easy as it sounds. But it doesn’t mean you can’t do it.

I remember when a friend betrayed me for the first time. She was my best friend and neighbor. She slept with my very first boyfriend while I was dating him. I wasn’t angry that he cheated on me. I let those feelings go pretty quickly because I wasn’t in love with him. But I was very angry with her, and I didn’t know how to let go of resentment for her betrayal.

The worst part was that they dated after I broke up with him. I never felt betrayal like that before. I didn’t know what to do, but I did know I despised her. And I couldn’t even hear her name, let alone be within eyesight of her.

During their relationship, I was incredibly angry. But I played the “I don’t care” card and let the anger sit in me, slowly building up.

[Read: How to deal with the pain when someone hurts you]

How to let go of resentment and start living

I needed to let go of the resentment I had for her. Not because of her, but because of me. I was eating myself from the inside out. Everyone could see it. She didn’t care. She wasn’t upset, it was just me who was hurting.

It took me several months to move on from the pain and resentment I felt. I was deeply hurt and had problems trusting my closest friends and family. But I knew if I let this continue and stay unchallenged, it would have drastic consequences for my own happiness and self-love.

If you need to learn how let go of resentment and struggle to do it—I understand. It’s not easy at all, but do this for yourself, not for anyone else. It’s time you moved forward.

#1 Where’s the anger coming from? What happened that made you feel resentment towards another person? Before taking any further steps, identify exactly what they did that hurt you. If you find any other underlying emotions, look at the causes of those as well. Was it a single event or a gradual build-up of events?[Read: How to release anger and find the positives in life instead]

#2 Separate the person from the situation. When someone we love hurts us, it’s hard to separate them from the situation. But, by removing them, you can look at what happened with different eyes. It’ll help you answer the question of why they did what they did. Bringing you closure, but also allowing you to understand their behavior.

#3 Take a time out. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by everything, take a time out. If you want to know how to let go of resentment, find a space where you can lay down and cool off. This doesn’t need to be on your mind all of the time. Sometimes a healthy distraction can help you calm down and look at things from a different perspective. [Read: 17 ways to focus on yourself and relax more]

#4 Avoid the person who caused you pain. Until you’re ready to forgive them, avoid seeing them right away. You need time to reflect and calm down. If you see them too soon, it could end up in an explosive argument, and that’ll only fuel the anger and pain inside of you. You’ll know when you’re ready. 

#5 Practice expressing your anger in different ways. If you want to learn how to let go of resentment and release it, don’t stick to one way of expressing yourself. Try various ways of self-expression. Write your feelings down, work out, talk about it with a therapist or friend, try yoga. Do various activities to help you let go of your negative feelings.

#6 Did you contribute to the situation? I’m not saying you did anything; I’m not trying to blame you. But self-awareness is crucial if you want to move forward and let go of resentment. Think about your role in this, and see if you played a part in why they may have acted in a specific way. [Read: 15 signs of a bad friend to always be on the lookout for]

#7 Learn relaxation and self-calming strategies. When something causes you pain, you experience a wide range of emotions. Some days you’re calm, other days you’re angry and disappointed. But by practicing relaxation and self-calming techniques, you can help calm yourself down. These techniques include yoga, meditation, deep breathing, and mindfulness. 

#8 Talk to them *if you can*. If you’re able to sit down and talk with them about what happened, you may be able to have some questions answered and find closure. But, only do this if you feel emotionally calm enough to do it. You don’t need it to end up in a yelling match. If you’re not ready or you’re not able to physically see them, write your feelings and emotions down in a journal.

#9 Avoid directing your anger at others. When we’re angry, it’s easy to place our negative emotions and feelings on other people. Usually, we pick people who aren’t even involved in the situation itself. We’re angry, and whoever we see first, boom, they’re the first ones we target. But you don’t need to transfer this energy to other people; that’s not fair to them.

#10 Practice forgiveness. Ugh, it was so difficult to forgive my best friend after she slept and then dated my boyfriend. I didn’t want to forgive her; I wanted her to suffer. But in the end, I was the only one who was suffering.

Look at why they did what they did, and find the reasoning behind their actions. You’re not going to forgive them overnight. It’ll take time, but it’s worth it. [Read: How to forgive someone and unburden your heart]

#11 Treat the person you’re angry at with compassion. This is definitely going to be hard, but it’s crucial that you treat the person you’re angry with empathy and compassion. If not, you’ll never be able to move on and learn how to let go of resentment. When you start to act with compassion and kindness, you’ll see them change their behavior with you as well. [Read: How to be positive and find the silver lining]

#12 Let go of any grudges. You may think holding onto grudges is a good idea, but it’s not. If anything, it does more harm to you than to them. Sure, you make them feel shitty from time to time, but you’re the one harboring all these negative emotions inside of you every day. Don’t spend your energy waiting for the chance to make them suffer.

#13 Exercise. Listen, letting go of resentment isn’t about getting a six-pack. But exercise does help you reduce anger and stress. Whether it’s swimming, walking, or kickboxing, release your emotions and sweat out the toxins you’ve built in your body. You’ll automatically feel better… and sweaty.

#14 Take the situation as a learning lesson. You cannot control other people’s actions, but you can control what you take from a situation. Yes, you were hurt by someone, but that doesn’t mean your life is over. Take the situation as a learning lesson and move forward. Don’t let it hold you back. [Read: How to be a happier person means making these joy-filled changes]

#15 Always challenge resentment. When you’re feeling any type of resentment, you need to challenge it. Of course, in the beginning, give yourself some time to process what happened, but don’t let anger sit inside of you. It’ll eat you up and slowly destroy you.

[Read: How to stop hating the person who hurt you]

If it’s not making you feel good, then you need to let it go. Hopefully, these tips will help you learn how let go of resentment and live your best life.

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